the true story
there's been a lot on my mind lately. not of the past days or weeks, but since ever i thought i was different than the others. that i could not fit in anymore than just trying to fit in. i don't know where this had come from, but i know what i feel right now is not at all pleasant. nothing that you could call as normal or good.
what if, i was not a person who you thought that i was? not at all the sarah who would laugh at all those stupid jokes, even if they're not as funny as you wanted it to be. not the sarah who would try to make things better for you, not the one who would smile as you crossed with her through the hallways?
what if, really, deep down inside she was something you could not accept as a human being? that she was missing something, something that is actually an important part of her being? behind all that cool, helpful facade, that she is something that would scare the wits out of your mind? and she couldn't find that missing piece for years before and the years to come cause she lost it somewhere inside of her?
she wants something from everyone. no- she just wants one thing. but she couldn't place it even if it was on the tip of her tongue. give her everything she wants, but no one can tell what she really needs.
maybe it's not a thing. maybe she's just missing herself, losing grip of what she was. or what she was comfortable with, no matter how ill her behavior was to the face of the society. her best friends doesn't know anything about this. nor do her close friends from campus. neither her parents. she's just... lost.
she tried to find a way back in, to let herself be just what she is, or was, but with complete failure and utter disappointment. everything has changed. all those fun times didn't last. she couldn't remember a single second where she was just happy. feeling happy, not tickled because of a joke or anything. what's it called? ah... bliss.
no, not even on vacation trips with her family, or a small day outing with anyone, not even her best friends whom she used to fit in with. every time she tries to utter a word, it sounded unnecessary. it sounded awkward, like she was just talking to her own self, her own reflection. no one would reply her. no one would pay any attention to her, so she rebelled deep down inside, thinking no one was listening, watching. she didn't intend to. it just happened. she just rebelled, not knowing that she was. and she was sorry.
but her sorries were like sand by the roadside. you couldn't pick them up or count them cause there were too many. too many mistakes, too many sorries. and when she tried to start over, everything would just get much more worse than before. and she's all alone to stand up for herself, trying to change herself for the better but no one was convinced. to them she was still the same person who lied, cheated, did all those mistakes that she had regretted so much. she's all alone, and she feels like she's okay with that. but of course, no one is.
and no one was there to listen anymore. they just got fed up and left. couldn't be convinced anymore.
no one was there to help her through all this. and she felt that she was okay with that. but no one would believe her when she tells them about it. they would never understand her the way that she could at least understand them based on her personal experiences. they don't know her like they thought they did. she's just alone, and lonely, with no one to relate to, no one to help her through this so-called phase. she's unique, in a depressing way.
and she's not happy.
i'm not happy.
what if, i was not a person who you thought that i was? not at all the sarah who would laugh at all those stupid jokes, even if they're not as funny as you wanted it to be. not the sarah who would try to make things better for you, not the one who would smile as you crossed with her through the hallways?
what if, really, deep down inside she was something you could not accept as a human being? that she was missing something, something that is actually an important part of her being? behind all that cool, helpful facade, that she is something that would scare the wits out of your mind? and she couldn't find that missing piece for years before and the years to come cause she lost it somewhere inside of her?
she wants something from everyone. no- she just wants one thing. but she couldn't place it even if it was on the tip of her tongue. give her everything she wants, but no one can tell what she really needs.
maybe it's not a thing. maybe she's just missing herself, losing grip of what she was. or what she was comfortable with, no matter how ill her behavior was to the face of the society. her best friends doesn't know anything about this. nor do her close friends from campus. neither her parents. she's just... lost.
she tried to find a way back in, to let herself be just what she is, or was, but with complete failure and utter disappointment. everything has changed. all those fun times didn't last. she couldn't remember a single second where she was just happy. feeling happy, not tickled because of a joke or anything. what's it called? ah... bliss.
no, not even on vacation trips with her family, or a small day outing with anyone, not even her best friends whom she used to fit in with. every time she tries to utter a word, it sounded unnecessary. it sounded awkward, like she was just talking to her own self, her own reflection. no one would reply her. no one would pay any attention to her, so she rebelled deep down inside, thinking no one was listening, watching. she didn't intend to. it just happened. she just rebelled, not knowing that she was. and she was sorry.
but her sorries were like sand by the roadside. you couldn't pick them up or count them cause there were too many. too many mistakes, too many sorries. and when she tried to start over, everything would just get much more worse than before. and she's all alone to stand up for herself, trying to change herself for the better but no one was convinced. to them she was still the same person who lied, cheated, did all those mistakes that she had regretted so much. she's all alone, and she feels like she's okay with that. but of course, no one is.
and no one was there to listen anymore. they just got fed up and left. couldn't be convinced anymore.
no one was there to help her through all this. and she felt that she was okay with that. but no one would believe her when she tells them about it. they would never understand her the way that she could at least understand them based on her personal experiences. they don't know her like they thought they did. she's just alone, and lonely, with no one to relate to, no one to help her through this so-called phase. she's unique, in a depressing way.
and she's not happy.
i'm not happy.
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